Screaming Infidelities

So I did it.

I back read more or less than a hundred pages of this blog. I can’t believe I had the guts to publish those stories. Well, not that I didn’t want to share them, but hey. The grammatical errors and sentence construction? Oh, give me a break. Im not saying I’m a better writer now, but I know my grammar has improved. Well, if it hasn’t, fuck my life.

Anyway so this old blog lead me back to those days when I was head-over-heels in love with this boy. Let’s call him Iñigo Marquez Rudio. Hah. The sweetness and/or bitterness in every post about the boy was suffocating, if you ask me. Everything was about him. Every thing we did together was something. Every song I heard was for him, by him. And take note of the cliches, man. Ugh. I was totally in love back then, wasn’t I?

But then again, I was young. You can’t blame me. Heh.  I didn’t know a lot of things.  All I cared for was the boy and to get a 3. Okay enough of the justification.

Good thing the blog posts paint a pretty clear picture of the memories I wrote about. Well, it’s not really a good thing altogether. It’s also a bad thing especially that when I read my past blogs, it’s like I am being transported back to the scenes themselves.  So pretty much I can still feel bits and pieces of the pain, or the happiness, or the frustration, that the younger me used to feel.

Now the realizations after backreading everything. Or the bitter realizations, rather.

I don’t know if I will still feel that kind of love, the head-over-heels type, now or in the future. After everything that happened, I don’t think I will ever be capable of giving that much of myself to someone. So yeah, that means congratulations to you, Iñigo.

Because you have set the bar. You have become the bar. And no one else will ever come close to you, or to what you meant to me.

Whatup! (high-pitched voice ala Barney Stinson)

Now, I digress. Thank you very much.

when you’re bored, you tend to do things spontaneously, because you need something to occupy a certain emptiness. you do these things not because you need to, or you want to. an idea just crosses your mind and boom, it happens.

one example: you’re bored, you surf the net.

then, another idea occurs to you. and you want to satisfy the hunger–for information, that is. and you feed the feeling; you nourish your brain cells with discoveries, facts. there are those  blatant things that you come across in your journey. other scenes, you have to decode.

you get the (visual) information you craved for.

it doesn’t surprise you, though. and you don’t care. however, the need, the quest, becomes insatiable that you cannot stop. so you unravel more. and more. there can never be too much. you are waiting for that feeling–that something they call pain–so you would stop. but you don’t feel anything. it’s either you’re numb or you’re over it.

you were about to congratulate yourself until–

–you see something.

and then, something pokes you, from within.
that something made your stomach sick that it made you–

–throw up out of disgust. Oh, please erase mental image.

Erase mental image.

it’s almost 2 am. i’m dead tired. i can’t sleep. i need to wake up (if ever i would go to sleep) at 3am and spend 12 hours on a bus to weep for a dead loved one.

and here they are, like bees buzzing around my ears. annoying the hell out of me. making their presence felt (as if i care anymore). twisting stories to make me appear as the mother bitch of the entire human race.

hah.
if you’re over it, then why the hell are you still bugging me?

PLEASE.
FUCK OFF.

IM PISSED.

may nalaman ako.

hindi marunong magbago ang tao.
kahit mabuting tao, minsan loko-loko.
ang mas malala, di sila natututo.
at uulitin nila ang mga nagawa nila.
hindi lang isang beses, di lang dalawa.
at masasaktan ka.

tsk. tsk. nadisappoint naman ako sa kanya.

omaygad.

im so freakin’ happy i could die.

right now.

The Man Who Can\’t Be Moved by The Script

Cause If one day you wake up and find that your missing me
and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinkin maybe you’ll come back here to the place that we’d meet
And you’ll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street
So I’m not moving, I’m not moving,
I’m not moving, I’m not moving

People talk about the guy that’s waiting on a girl
There are no holes in his shoes but a big hole in his world

Maybe i’ll get famous as the man who can’t be moved
Maybe you wont mean to but you’ll see me on the news
And you’ll come running to the corner
cause you’ll know it’s just for you
Im the man who can’t be moved.

My horoscope says:

You’re ready to look at big issues deeply. It’s time they stopped holding you back.

Like most people, you still have some unresolved feelings about a person from your past. But unlike most people, you are ready to look at these issues deeply. They have been holding you back and you know it. This is an immensely big and healthy step for you to be taking, so if you need more time than you thought, take it! Let friends know that you’re working through some stuff so that they don’t worry if you start to pull back from the social scene. They want you to do what you have to do.

————————————-

most days of 2008 were crazy. some of those days i spent hiding; putting a mask on my feelings. trying to escape from what the reality is. the others i was happy. but happiness then was a luxury i most of the time couldn’t afford.

but now, im ready to face 2009. leave 2008 behind.

let’s move on, shall we?

im ready. =)

i learned something today.

there are some people in our lives who will never change. even if they say they will. even if you put your best foot forward to make it easy for them to change. that even if you trust them enough, you give them every faith you can to let them feel it’s okay to be true to you, even if you forgive them again and again, they are what they are. and it remains that way.

the sad thing is, you changed for them, so things will live in harmony. you updated your closet, you transferred houses many times, you don’t sleep so you can be with them. you smile even if you’re hurt to make things less complicated.

and they blame you for their actions. they say those terrible things wouldn’t have happened if you are not like this, if you are like that. in short, you need to be perfect. you admit your mistakes, you say sorry, you swallow your pride–all just to learn in the end that the things you dread to happen just happened.

well, i should have learned this ages ago since it happens all the time. but i’m stubborn. i opted to look at the positive things to keep on going and ignored the scarred ones. i almost lost my friends. (but they’re my friends and they love me so they forgave me.)

“i changed who i was for you.”
-miranda to steve, in Sex and the City

“if i could sum up all the causes of hurt, pain, and hatred in one word.. it’s just EXPECTATION.”
-of small shoes and heartbreak

You were once that bitter, hatred-filled person who wasted your time thinking of ways to get the revenge you know you deserve.

Your
sanity depended on your friends. You survived by talking with them,
knowing that they were on your side, and making sure that they also
hate the person(/people) who gave you such pain. 

You
cried endlessly until you fall asleep. You were lucky if you ever slept
at all. And in the morning, you pitied yourself, thinking, “I don’t
deserve this.”

You
couldn’t accept the reality that everything was gone. All the years
from high school, everything, meant nothing to the other person.

And
of course, you are most devastated because of the fact that that person
already has someone new. And what’s worse was that, that person found
her when he still has you.

You hated the other girl. You cannot bear the fact that despite everything, she won. 

You lost.

——

After
sometime, you got back on your feet and started living again. Thanks to
your hausmates who checked up on you every night and day.

You
got busy. You realized there was so much more to experience. You found
new people who taught you how to spend your nights wisely—drink and be
merry. You found people like you; you shared stories of the miseries
you have experienced and laughed at them.  

You
knew you have moved on when you got your wish. You saw that person in
campus and you just walked past him. You felt absolutely nothing.
Nothing at all.

You found happiness within yourself. You learned to smile genuinely again.

—–

And then, you found him. You found him in the bunch of the new people, but it felt like you’ve known each other all your lives. 

You didn’t like him at first. No, you liked him, but only as a friend, or a brother perhaps, and nothing more. 

But
you know there was something in him that made you look for him every
time you drop by at the tambayan. You wait for him to arrive from the
building across the academic oval. And when he arrives, you pretend you
are looking at another direction. 

You shake his hand when he comes near. You both smile, and…

Now,
here you are with him and you realize you’ve already spent your first
year and first month together. You are happy and secure and contented. 

Sometimes
you get scared that after some time things will fall apart too. You
shake that thought off your head and convince yourself that maybe you
two can make it. 

You want it to last. But you fight all the time. You say and do things you regret. You get hurt by his words too. 

Your pride gets in the way. 

You
want to give up but he holds your hand and say sorry. You are sorry
too, but pride won’t let you utter the word. Things get even more
complicated. 

And then you realize that what you’re fighting about is not enough to end what you both started. 

You
love him. You know for certain that it is him whom you want to spend
your life with. You laugh. Being with him makes you think of those
corny clichés. 

But you know, it’s true. You want to spend the rest of your life having him by your side. 

And that you never want to be the ex-girlfriend again.

Ever.